Caught in a frenzy; this haze of 迷茫 I cannot escape, the way I loop back to you and you and you until I exhaust myself in death.
I’m not here to act like the young adult you wished you had been. I’m here to be the young adult I am. I don’t want to be the “mature one”, or the “one who didn’t meddle”, or “the one unaffected by anything and everything her friends might do or the problems they have”. I don’t want it.
I can’t be what you need me to be. I don’t know if I should be sorry for that.
I made a mistake in thinking the other parts of my group assignment would affect my marks so much. I was wrong. Now I’m left with the feeling that if I had pushed just a little bit harder, a little bit tougher… I wouldn’t feel that dissatisfaction low in my gut simmering humming, “Not good enough,” while my groupmates are mostly satisfied.
I feel like we were just at the edge, and now I’m learning my own edges, where I feel like cutting into the fabric of the world that swaddles me.
My grandmother is recovering. Her legs are weak, but her arms are gaining strength.
Sometimes she reads the paper, and when she thinks it’s been too long, she gazes off to places I can’t see.
She gets annoyed when I consistently ask her whether whatever part hurts and I go through her routine. She ignores me, closing her eyes and pretending she can’t hear a word I say. I’m rarely eloquent in Chinese, but the simple, “奶奶，你想要怎么样，就要跟我们讲。” seems to hard to get through. She won’t move unless you move her. She says she wants to do things like take out her dentures by herself, but just sits there without movement.
There’s no push. I wonder if we’re pushing her too hard, or if it’s that we’re the only pushing her, and not her pushing herself. When she zones out, when I pat her hand, when she finds it annoying when I call her name again and again and again because I don’t know any other way to reach her– I don’t know.
I love Gabrielle Aplin’s vocals in this song, taking the song to sweet high notes with that slightly haunting tone, and the way Bastille works their cover-magic to make the song so… full.
I read ‘I Capture the Castle’ by Dodie Smith today. It was a slow day at school, now that we’re done with our final exams (of our entire high school student career!!) everyone’s bored and drowsy and excited all at once. The Senior 3s don’t get to have our own Inter-class Sports Competition, which for our form would’ve meant basketball and volleyball, so everyone feels a little stifled just sitting there especially since we’ve been banned from watching movies.
Still, my class ended up watching Korean variety shows in class, while me and my friend hid ourselves under the curtains so we would get some light to read our respective books.
I somehow got saddled with “Bryan duty” which means picking Bryan from his class. I felt like his mom, told him so, and he told me I was “paternal”. Vocab duty is was, and I had to explain to him the difference between maternal and paternal. Feel more like a teacher now.
I Capture The Castle is good though.