13 Sep

Blurry sight

Sweaty palms

Lightheaded

with a side of choking in my throat

I can’t

(I’m stuck with the same words, the same chorus and I can’t end this song-

Break of break

12 Sep

It’s hard to gain momentum.

My semester break is coming to an end, and it’s hard to think about relearning habits like waking up early and walking 20 minutes to my university. It’s terrifying, now that I have to choose my specialisation for my course. I’m started only my second semester. What is up with the need of learning institutes to condense learning into shorter and shorter time spans? Is this going to improve the quality of our education? I’m not that much in a rush to find a job to support my layabout lifestyle.

In other news, I saw an comment argument on Facebook yesterday that devolved rather in the way a Youtube comment war starts: one party makes a blanket statement about something he doesn’t like, and another party overreacts. The scary thing about this thing is that people liked the comments of the blanket statement guy, because he sounded more well-read. Only, if you actually read his arguments, they were circular, narrow-minded and referenced wrongly. That’s scary– that people tend to go for the seemingly more well-organised, and it says a lot about the way we present ourselves affects the way people believe in you, whether or not there is a strong basis for your arguments.

Tumbleweed

11 Sep

An acquaintance of mine is going to Oxford, scholarships secured, mind set free. There were hardships, in his own words, on rejection and elation and everything inbetween.

I told my mother, she told me thus, “You can go many places, if you buy the tickets”.

I got what she meant– opportunities for the ready. I wondered then, where the lost opportunities went? to oblivion, or to the ground, to be picked up by the observing passerby?

I’m not: The hardworking one like my acquaintance is. The smart, inquisitive one like my sister is. The cruising ones like my coursemates are.

So. Am I destined for a future left unpaved and determined by where the wind blows?

15 Aug

Caught in a frenzy; this haze of 迷茫 I cannot escape, the way I loop back to you and you and you until I exhaust myself in death.

Sorry. Maybe.

8 Aug

I’m not here to act like the young adult you wished you had been. I’m here to be the young adult I am. I don’t want to be the “mature one”, or the “one who didn’t meddle”, or “the one unaffected by anything and everything her friends might do or the problems they have”. I don’t want it.

I can’t be what you need me to be. I don’t know if I should be sorry for that.

The boo-boo of hindsight

7 Aug

I made a mistake in thinking the other parts of my group assignment would affect my marks so much. I was wrong. Now I’m left with the feeling that if I had pushed just a little bit harder, a little bit tougher… I wouldn’t feel that dissatisfaction low in my gut simmering humming, “Not good enough,” while my groupmates are mostly satisfied.

I feel like we were just at the edge, and now I’m learning my own edges, where I feel like cutting into the fabric of the world that swaddles me.

Day 37

4 Aug

Incandescent in your rage; how could I bear to calm you and lose that light?

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