I grew up in a particularly mixed-culture family. Not because of multiple ethnicities; because we were had too-liberal ideals to be conservative. and too-traditional values to be Westernised. The former meant that my parents allowed a large measure of freedom when it came to things like academics, as long as we fell between the lines that my parents drew, somewhere in the sand.
So whilst we were chill and laidback, we, whether consciously or unconsciously, taught to seek the approval of my parents. When we were younger, when we went to book fair, we would pass our books to my mother before we bought the books. Any books she didn’t approve of was discarded. When we wanted to go the toilet, we would ask my mother first.
I’ve been struggling with my words, the way I’ve been struggling with myself. My finals are coming up next week, and some part of me decides that maybe now’s a good time to be infected with a dose of wanderlust, and the want to be loved.
I’ve always wanted to travel, to see– quietly, organically, the places easily forgotten. I am the person that squeezes through the half-opened gate to see what lies beyond. I am the person who climbs over locked fences to get to the empty roof, and thrill in the height. I am the person that wants to call to the sky, but remembers the fear of falling. I am the person that goes places alone. Always alone.
Maybe this is growing up, as I gradually go from a teen to a part time adult. Maybe being an adult is this feeling of yourself not being enough, the way compliments turn greasy and complicated. Maybe being an adult is forever wishing that someone will be there to catch you like your parents did once ago. Maybe growing up is learning the fear of losing, and realizing no one can catch another when they’re both falling.
I feel like I’ve come unstuck from the railings of life.
I’m sitting in a overpriced coffee shop– an “espresso bar” with overcooked lamb shoulder and watery carrot soup, laptop open and book besides, a picture of a acrylic bicycles in the wall opposite me. It’s done up in sky blues and blacks, with accents of yellow and orange and red.
Today I just feel like rambling on and on about what things look like, because days like these– when the sky is a smoke grey and everything smells of the city, when people in these shops come searching for companionship over coffee and cake and too wide tables–I feel an itch under my skin, over it too, while my skin seems impermeable to any words I would like to really say.
I’m sitting here with lukewarm ice lemon tea (sour and slightly bitter), trying to get the ramblings out, so that I can start again to move in a straightforward line towards something, anything, a future that I’m afraid of getting to.
The whir of the espresso machine is humming in the background, the humdrum of daily city life.
So… sometimes, I think about things I probably shouldn’t? Maybe it’s the media, maybe it’s the games; who knows, but the point of the matter is the fact that sometimes your’s truly has somewhat appallingly possessive thoughts like woah bro slow down (despite the fact that I am neither a bro or someone who needs slowing down).
These thoughts usually come around the time that I ironically get to that part of my emotional cycle (not monthly tqvm stereotypes) where I become so faux-punk and so incredibly pretentious and self-absorbed that I become a grade-S asshole. And while this affects next to no one externally, seeing as how I am a loner with no non-acquaintance friends to speak of, this means that the Me brought up by Good Values and Kind Thoughts thanks to my parents ends up with guilt the approx. weight of a blue whale.
On one hand, I have the satisfaction of being an asshole; on the other, guilt trip.
The selection is much harder than you might think.
with a side of choking in my throat
(I’m stuck with the same words, the same chorus and I can’t end this song-
It’s hard to gain momentum.
My semester break is coming to an end, and it’s hard to think about relearning habits like waking up early and walking 20 minutes to my university. It’s terrifying, now that I have to choose my specialisation for my course. I’m started only my second semester. What is up with the need of learning institutes to condense learning into shorter and shorter time spans? Is this going to improve the quality of our education? I’m not that much in a rush to find a job to support my layabout lifestyle.
In other news, I saw an comment argument on Facebook yesterday that devolved rather in the way a Youtube comment war starts: one party makes a blanket statement about something he doesn’t like, and another party overreacts. The scary thing about this thing is that people liked the comments of the blanket statement guy, because he sounded more well-read. Only, if you actually read his arguments, they were circular, narrow-minded and referenced wrongly. That’s scary– that people tend to go for the seemingly more well-organised, and it says a lot about the way we present ourselves affects the way people believe in you, whether or not there is a strong basis for your arguments.
An acquaintance of mine is going to Oxford, scholarships secured, mind set free. There were hardships, in his own words, on rejection and elation and everything inbetween.
I told my mother, she told me thus, “You can go many places, if you buy the tickets”.
I got what she meant– opportunities for the ready. I wondered then, where the lost opportunities went? to oblivion, or to the ground, to be picked up by the observing passerby?
I’m not: The hardworking one like my acquaintance is. The smart, inquisitive one like my sister is. The cruising ones like my coursemates are.
So. Am I destined for a future left unpaved and determined by where the wind blows?